Self-acceptance and striving

I've been playing around with this idea recently of taking two ends of an apparent spectrum and reframing them into a 2x2 matrix.

Let's take an example that I've struggled with:

Self-acceptance ↔ Striving to grow/improve

I've always viewed these in opposition, but if we reframe to a 2x2, it creates four quadrants:

• Low self-acceptance, low striving → Unhappy with who I currently am, and unmotivated to change.
• High self-acceptance, low striving → Content and not very motivated to grow. For some, I've learned that this can be a local equilibrium. I have a family member who operates this way. Unlike me, they don't need to be making progress to feel good, yet they are relatively content with where and who they are.
• Low self-acceptance, high striving → Very driven but unable to acknowledge past achievements and a constant feeling of "I'm not enough". Many high achievers fall into this trap - myself included - especially if they're in an environment where progression is reinforced as the primary measure of success.
• High self-acceptance, high striving → I am enough and imperfect and afraid AND I'm motivated to keep improving. This, paradoxically, seems to offer a healthy balance between a sense of peace and self-love with the drive to continue growing.

In that fourth quadrant (high, high), I'm not sure what the optimal balance is or exactly how to achieve it, but a few things I've learned so far:

It takes deep and ongoing work to accept ourselves more and more fully. Narratives from past traumas, cultural context, and adaptive behaviors all need to be brought to light before they can be detached from our identities. Going from "I AM this story" to "I HAVE this story" has been a powerful tool for me (more on that in a future post).

It also takes work to own responsibility for our decisions, and credit for our results, both positive and negative. We are often so focused on the next thing that we completely forget to acknowledge how far we've come. Think about where you were 10 years ago and imagine telling that younger version of yourself about where you are today: your life experiences, career success, relationships, things you've learned, etc. How much did you imagine would happen a decade ago?

Contrary to what I used to believe, accepting ourselves does not mean taking the foot off the gas pedal and slacking off. They are independent. I believe we can still operate with a fully engaged learning and improvement mindset while loving ourselves - warts and all - throughout the process.

Back to the original idea: by changing the frame this way, it transcends the constraints of a zero-sum game and opens up new permutations - and paradoxes - to explore.